Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Crossroads

My late twenties. Ugh.

If I had known how anxious/confused/nervous I would feel in my late twenties, I never would have spent my teen years looking forward to growing up and becoming an adult. Instead, I would have spent more time just being a stupid teenager.

But here I am at 27 years old, and I feel like I'm at some sort of crossroads.

Right now, I feel like the looming age of thirty is pushing me to take one of TWO possible paths in the next couple of years. Like,

1) Chasing/pursuing some big career. Throw my life into my work.

2) "Settling down" (although I've been married already for almost 3 years) and having children. Starting a family.

I've been thinking about these two paths for some time, especially as my clock of life continues to chime. I've been debating it, I've been anxious about it, and I've lost sleep over it. Then it hit me.

Right now, I don't want to take either one of those paths. I want to stay right where I'm at, right down the middle.

I'm very content with how my life is going right now; my husband and I are finding a good groove in our marriage, I love my cats, I love my job, I love my writing projects, and I love my opportunities in the local history community. I see a lot of promise for my future in all of those categories.

But as content as I am, something inside me is trying to tell me that I'm wrong. That "staying on my current path" isn't good enough. That I need to push for something more lively, or exciting.

I feel like over the last decade I've constantly been pushing myself: go to college, get the house, get the raise, get the promotion, whatever.

BUT I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW, I want to scream at my inner voice.

Right now I'm so happy with where I'm at, so why do I feel this drive to keep getting more, even though I don't even WANT more?

It's because I'm worried about being a disappointment -- to my parents, to my husband, to my younger self or to my future self.

But for right now, I just want to live in my present. I don't want to plan for kids, and I don't want to shake up my career just because another job would look better on paper. Right now, I just want to continue what I'm doing, and I want to be the best I can be at it. I also want to be genuinely happy. And although my life may seem boring or unfulfilling to some, I'm so content in it.

And right now, I think being content is exactly what I need....even in my late twenties.

So for now, I think I'm going to bypass those crossroads for a little bit longer....maybe even forever.

1 comment: