Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Crossroads

My late twenties. Ugh.

If I had known how anxious/confused/nervous I would feel in my late twenties, I never would have spent my teen years looking forward to growing up and becoming an adult. Instead, I would have spent more time just being a stupid teenager.

But here I am at 27 years old, and I feel like I'm at some sort of crossroads.

Right now, I feel like the looming age of thirty is pushing me to take one of TWO possible paths in the next couple of years. Like,

1) Chasing/pursuing some big career. Throw my life into my work.

2) "Settling down" (although I've been married already for almost 3 years) and having children. Starting a family.

I've been thinking about these two paths for some time, especially as my clock of life continues to chime. I've been debating it, I've been anxious about it, and I've lost sleep over it. Then it hit me.

Right now, I don't want to take either one of those paths. I want to stay right where I'm at, right down the middle.

I'm very content with how my life is going right now; my husband and I are finding a good groove in our marriage, I love my cats, I love my job, I love my writing projects, and I love my opportunities in the local history community. I see a lot of promise for my future in all of those categories.

But as content as I am, something inside me is trying to tell me that I'm wrong. That "staying on my current path" isn't good enough. That I need to push for something more lively, or exciting.

I feel like over the last decade I've constantly been pushing myself: go to college, get the house, get the raise, get the promotion, whatever.

BUT I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW, I want to scream at my inner voice.

Right now I'm so happy with where I'm at, so why do I feel this drive to keep getting more, even though I don't even WANT more?

It's because I'm worried about being a disappointment -- to my parents, to my husband, to my younger self or to my future self.

But for right now, I just want to live in my present. I don't want to plan for kids, and I don't want to shake up my career just because another job would look better on paper. Right now, I just want to continue what I'm doing, and I want to be the best I can be at it. I also want to be genuinely happy. And although my life may seem boring or unfulfilling to some, I'm so content in it.

And right now, I think being content is exactly what I need....even in my late twenties.

So for now, I think I'm going to bypass those crossroads for a little bit longer....maybe even forever.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Time for change.

This weekend I rushed a HUGE decision and I ultimately made the wrong choice. It all happened so fast that I can't even remember why I made that decision in the first place.

So I feel like an idiot. A bad person. A child. I don't feel like myself.

It all happened so quickly -- the poor decision, the realization, and the "solution." I know in the end that I made the right choice to fix my mistakes. It was the right choice for everyone involved. But that doesn't mean that I'm not hurting. That I won't carry it with me forever.

I'm not perfect, and I usually take the long way to figure things out. But I'm sincerely sorry if I've disappointed people along the way. And I'm sorry that I ALWAYS make decisions too quickly, and I'm sorry that sometimes I need help picking up the pieces to all the things I've broken. 

Although the last few days were disastrous in many ways, I can say that I've learned things about myself, my life, my relationships.

But maybe that's selfish --- looking for a lesson in so much chaos --- in chaos that I created myself. But it's all I can do at this point.

So, I'm sorry.

It's over now, but I'll carry that sadness and that frustration forever.

But right now, it's time for change.

I'm going to slow down, I'm going to reevaluate my life and my priorities. I'm going to ask for help. I'm going to be a stronger person. And I'm not going to be so immature. It's time.

Sunday, March 04, 2018

Drinkware fit for a cat lady

In the last few years, I guess I've become a "crazy cat lady." After all, I have a cat-themed bathroom in my house. Well, my cat obsession even extends to drinkware; some items I've purchased for myself, and some items were given to me as gifts. Check them out.
"Most Days I Wish I Was a Cat." Ain't it the truth -- a day spent curled up in the sun with no worries sounds like a good day to me. Found this gem while shopping with my grandma at Salvation Army. | Photo by Jessi LaRue

I "love" this one because the pawprint shows my love of both cats AND dogs. This one was a gift from my boss. | Photo by Jessi LaRue

"Good meowing," indeed! This cute one was a gift from a coworker. | Photo by Jessi LaRue

Details of "Good meowing" | Photo by Jessi LaRue

"Crazy Cat Lady." Guilty as charged. This was a birthday splurge for myself during my last trip to my favorite store, HomeGoods. | Photo by Jessi LaRue

TRUTH. This cat's sass -- from its face to its uncensored paws -- is so accurate. This one was a Christmas gift from my sister. | Photo by Jessi LaRue

Curious kitten had to interrupt the photo shoot. Hi, Trixie. | Photo by Jessi LaRue

These pretty cocktail glasses were part of the CatLadyBox subscription service. Highly recommend. | Photo by Jessi LaRue

Although pink isn't my color, this kitty-themed tumbler was the perfect gift from my Secret Santa last year. | Photo by Jessi LaRue