Sunday, September 24, 2017

I have no clue what I'm doing.

I have nothing figured out.

I don't know what I want to be "when I grow up." I'm not sure how long I'll be in my current job, or if it will take me anywhere. I enjoy it, but somewhere in the back of my mind all I hear is, "what's the next big move?"

My husband and I say that we want to live in our current house for a long time, but a lot of that depends on whether or not we have kids -- and right now, we don't know if we are physically able, or even if that's our true desire. So I really don't know where that's going.

So much is up in the air, and so much is contingent on other things.

I'm spending a lot of time writing and researching for a project, and that brings me joy and a sense of accomplishment. But no, on the grand scheme of things, I'm not pointing myself down any certain path, and I'm not looking to make some major moves in my life. Is that OK? Or am I selling myself short? Am I not doing enough with my life right now?

It stresses me out at times, because I have a need to be in control of my life, my situation. But at the end of the day, I know that currently, I am happy. The things that I am doing right now are making me happy. But I can't help but wonder if what I'm doing right now is enough, and what the outcome of it all will be.

Being in my 20s has been tough. I consistently feel the looming pressure of my 30s sinking in. I feel like I'm supposed to have my shit figured out. And I have nothing figured out.