Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Dropping the "B" word

The other night was just like any other night. My husband and I were making dinner together, side-by-side, as we do. But today felt different. It was one of those nights when everything seems to have a warm glow to it; everyone is in a good mood and it's one of those moments when you realize you're exactly where you need to be.

I glanced over to make sure he wasn't holding anything sharp before I decided to speak. I took a breath, and then let it out.
Photo by Kelly Bauer
"I want to have a baby."

I'm glad I checked the contents of his hands, because he nearly knocked the garlic salt shaker right off the counter. His head spun to look at me. I was already facing him and waiting for his reaction.

In case you didn't know, my husband and I have been on the fence about wanting to have children since we got engaged. We had a lot of hesitation about it; he was unsure because he has never met his own father and he's worried about being a good one to his own child. I was unsure because I always thought I had to choose between my passion - writing - and having children. But recently, I realized that having children wasn't something that happens instead of something else -- it's something beyond that. It's something different and it's something even bigger.

I explained to my husband about how I've been thinking about kids for weeks. I told him that although I'm not ready yet (we want to purchase a house first,) I do know that I want to eventually have children. That's the first step, right?

Once the initial shock from my announcement wore off, he nodded and seemed to understand. And the more I explained my reasoning for wanting to have children, the more he expressed his want to have children, too. Although neither of us have flat-out admitted that we want children, in this moment it was like we knew what we wanted all along.

I told him that I'd been thinking about the one thing that's most important to me in the whole world. I asked him what was most important to him. Then, almost in unison we agreed: Family.

We are family people. Although we come from different lives, different family backgrounds, we've become our own family since we moved in together. And we are ridiculously close with my parents and sister. So why wouldn't we want to keep that going, with even more family of our own?

The more we talked about it, the more excited we became. We could be good parents, we realized. Or at least, we would try to be the very best. Why? We're hardworking, loving people. And those are the traits we'd want to pass on to our children. It just makes sense. And our passions, our lives, that we were so worried about losing? We know those will never be lost.

We are nowhere near ready to have those kids yet (sorry, mom and dad!) We need a little more time and money. We'll get there. But now we know that it's something we want to do, and it's something we look forward to. We are two people in love with each other, our lives and our family, and that's something we want to share and hold on to forever.

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