Monday, March 28, 2016

Is this just "growing up?"

Do you ever look at old photos and feel sort of...sad?

Is that normal?

Life has been going by so quickly lately. I got a full-time job, I got engaged, married....and now we're saving to buy our first home. We've budgeted, planned, and we know that it's a realistic possibility in the near future. I love my life right now.

It's truly an exciting time, and a time I've been looking forward to for a long time. You see, I'm the kind of person who loves the thrill of checking off tasks on a to-do list. I thrive off of it. Is there something I need to accomplish? I'm going to go full steam until I can say I've kicked it in the ass.

And that's a good thing, I guess. But sometimes I wonder if that means I've been wishing my life away. 

Yeah, I still compare myself to my peers, and some days I feel like I'm way behind. I feel like I should be having children so I can please everyone around me and live up to society's expectations. And I'm ready to get out of this apartment and into a spacious house. But then I look at old photos.

So much has changed, and I keep rushing myself through more changes - taking them on one-by-one.

The old photos, even from just six years ago, show a completely different Jessi, one that I wouldn't recognize today. Dreams like marriage and a home were so far from my mind. I spent all my time surrounded by friends, taking selfies and doing other things that didn't necessarily mean anything. But it was a happy, simple time. Do I really miss those times, and friends that I've fallen out of touch with, or do I just miss those carefree days?

It's so hard to tell if I'm craving a piece of the past or if the future just seems too....finite. But my life is at a manageable speed for me right now. My anxiety's been at an all-time low. I feel so much like myself.

But I do miss my youth. (Is that a naive thing to say at only 25 years old?) 

Maybe I just need a little more spontaneity, a little more carelessness. But I'm rushing through checkpoints right now with such finesse and speed. I'm at the top of my game. Am I too old, too grown up to let loose a little bit? And what's the best way to do that without throwing myself off the track?

I guess that's part of becoming Mrs. LaRue, or just becoming me. Or is this just growing up?

1 comment:

  1. You asked if it's naive for you to say that you miss your youth being only 25. Considering the fact that you're in a completely different place than most 25 year olds, I'd have to say no. Marriage changes the game, and while I'm loathe to say that everyone grows up when they married (they don't), for most people it does bring with a bigger sense of adulthood. For what it's worth, I'm about to be 30 and I still get those feelings.