Do you ever look at old photos and feel sort of...sad?
Is that normal?
Life has been going by so quickly lately. I got a full-time job, I got engaged, married....and now we're saving to buy our first home. We've budgeted, planned, and we know that it's a realistic possibility in the near future. I love my life right now.
It's truly an exciting time, and a time I've been looking forward to for a long time. You see, I'm the kind of person who loves the thrill of checking off tasks on a to-do list. I thrive off of it. Is there something I need to accomplish? I'm going to go full steam until I can say I've kicked it in the ass.
And that's a good thing, I guess. But sometimes I wonder if that means I've been wishing my life away.
Yeah, I still compare myself to my peers, and some days I feel like I'm way behind. I feel like I should be having children so I can please everyone around me and live up to society's expectations. And I'm ready to get out of this apartment and into a spacious house. But then I look at old photos.
So much has changed, and I keep rushing myself through more changes - taking them on one-by-one.
The old photos, even from just six years ago, show a completely different Jessi, one that I wouldn't recognize today. Dreams like marriage and a home were so far from my mind. I spent all my time surrounded by friends, taking selfies and doing other things that didn't necessarily mean anything. But it was a happy, simple time. Do I really miss those times, and friends that I've fallen out of touch with, or do I just miss those carefree days?
It's so hard to tell if I'm craving a piece of the past or if the future just seems too....finite. But my life is at a manageable speed for me right now. My anxiety's been at an all-time low. I feel so much like myself.
But I do miss my youth. (Is that a naive thing to say at only 25 years old?)
Maybe I just need a little more spontaneity, a little more carelessness. But I'm rushing through checkpoints right now with such finesse and speed. I'm at the top of my game. Am I too old, too grown up to let loose a little bit? And what's the best way to do that without throwing myself off the track?
I guess that's part of becoming Mrs. LaRue, or just becoming me. Or is this just growing up?