Sunday, December 20, 2015

The Worst Christmas Songs Ever

I've spent nearly a month researching Christmas songs and sifting through iTunes, Spotify and more to create a variety of Christmas playlists. Along the way I've discovered songs that have become my new favorites (Willie Nelson's "Pretty Paper," anyone?) but I've also found some serious clunkers. (I mean, why did David Hasselhoff ever need to make a Christmas album?)
Santa is not pleased.
After my dad told me about the most depressing Christmas song, "The Little Boy that Santa Claus Forgot," (the title gives most of the song away,) I realized that for every great Christmas song, there's a few that miss the mark entirely. I decided to seek out the worst Christmas songs ever, and hand out some awards.

Most Depressing
Nat King Cole's "The Little Boy that Santa Claus Forgot" is pretty self-explanatory. Not only does the little boy not get any presents, but on top of that, he also doesn't have a father, and he spends his day playing with broken toys. You keep hoping this song will somehow have a happy ending, but it never comes. I don't think you'll hear this one playing in the shopping mall this season, but maybe it should?

Honorable mention for most depressing goes to John Denver's "Please, Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas.)" Denver's lighthearted, sing-songy voice matched with lyrics like "You came home a quarter past eleven and fell down underneath our Christmas tree," just don't match. The song tells a somber, realistic story, but how do you take it seriously when it sounds so cheery?

The Most Annoying
This one's a tie between Elmo & Patsy's "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" and Spike Jones' "All I Want For Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth.)" Yeah, yeah, yeah....go ahead and tell me these are Christmas classics. I don't care. The high-pitched voice and whistling/wheezing in "Two Front Teeth" nearly makes my ears bleed. And "Grandma?" Honestly, it kinda makes me sad. It's also annoying at the same time...somehow.

Why did Destiny's Child get rid of four days of Christmas? Why did Cyndi Lauper think there needed to be a "Christmas Conga?" Why did New Kids on the Block ever want a "Funky" Christmas? Why does "Thistlehair the Christmas Bear" sound so much like the story of Santa? Why do the Beach Boys sing about a child assaulting the shopping mall Santa? The world may never know.

If you dare to take a listen, I've included the Spotify playlist of these awful, awful holiday songs. I've also included a few extra. Enjoy, I guess?


  1. Noooooo!!! How could New Kids on the Block make this list? Their Xmas album is awesome...