Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Looking back

Sometimes when I'm looking for inspiration, I look back to my old blog. While I'm reading, sometimes I'll laugh, or even cry. 
I read about old heartbreaks; some make me smile and some still tug at my heartstrings. I read about old goals and wishes, and one thing is obvious: my life has been all over the place.

I read about my goals as a teenager: first I wanted to be a journalist, then a teacher, then a journalist again. Today, I am neither.

I wanted to move away and be somebody. Today, I live in my hometown.

I read about how much I loved my boyfriend (now husband.) I read about our awful breakup. I read about us getting back together, and being stronger than ever.

I read about dropping out of school because I couldn't afford it. I read about being accepted to my dream school. I reflect on fumbling my way through college at the local university until I left to work full-time.

And it's all exhausting.

When I started blogging six years ago, I never would have imagined my life taking this winding, crazy route that appears to have no specific destination. I still can't even completely believe that I got married this year.

And my life continues changing: before our wedding, I dreamed about having kids. Now, most of the time, I wonder if I want to have children at all.

It's exhausting when you realize you don't know what you want....

All that I need out of 2016 is happiness, and the ability to feel less guilty about the changes and choices I made in the past.

I am happy now, but sometimes it's hard not to regret choices I've made: Why didn't those things work out? How do other people view my choices? Why am I in this place in my life right now? Where do I go from here? 

But as much as those thoughts weigh on me, maybe I'm actually OK.

Maybe it's all about the destination and not what happens in the end. Sure, I'm not a journalist right now. Or a teacher. Or a mother.

But along the way, I think I've managed to learn about not only myself, but the world around me. I've learned about happiness, love, and getting through tough times. I've developed and grown as a person, hopefully a person my family is proud of, even though I may not have the expected accolades and success. And although I may not have accomplished the goals I once pined over, maybe there's something else in store for me. 

Maybe life doesn't always turn out as planned, and maybe that's just fine.

Right now, I'm just taking one day at a time, knowing nothing is permanent and anything can change. It's both terrifying and exciting.

Here's to 2016 and whatever it may bring. Hopefully I'll make future Jessi proud.

1 comment:

  1. The important thing to remember in all of this is, you are living you're life. Your past is your past and the choices have been made. Without those choices your life would be completely different. And from the way it sounds you love the way your life is. Keep it up kid. :) no one has the right to judge your choices.