Sunday, October 11, 2015

When Anxiety Barges In

I had my first wedding-induced panic attack.

As it started I couldn't help but think, I've made it this far! I only have twelve days until the wedding! Why now? But it kept coming.

I'm an emotional person. Some people tease me about it; it's something I'm genuinely embarrassed of and hyper-aware of. 

There have been plenty of times throughout the last few months that I got frustrated or overwhelmed, and I wanted to cry. But I would tell myself reasons why I shouldn't. Your wedding has only 30 guests, you don't deserve to be stressed. Or, my favorite, Why are you getting all worked up? Why can't you just be normal for once? You're going to have a panic attack.

But I never did, until tonight. Twelve days until the wedding, and we're in the best shape we've been so far. Nearly everything is done, nearly everything is paid for.

So why now?

I was just playing through some father-daughter dance songs trying to pick the absolute best one. I started thinking about how close it was to the big day. I started to think about the wedding and everything that comes with it. And as the next song started to play, I just broke down.

I have no idea what actually triggered it.

In some ways it felt good to get it all off my chest. It was as if six months of nervous energy had been released, like the air escaping from a popped balloon. But it didn't help that the entire time my head was screaming, You've made it this far! You don't seem very appreciative of the happiest time of your life.
What's the matter with you?

I don't know what's the matter with me. I'm the happiest I've been, I'm close to one of the most beautiful days of my life. Maybe that scares me. Maybe I just don't know how to deal. Do people know how to properly deal with this many conflicting emotions, or is it only me who's bumbling through it?

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