I created a little blog in 2009. Although it had a variety of names, I'd say it was at its peak under the name The Musings of a Wannabe Star.
I was a young college student when I started that blog and I really did want to be a star. Now, at 24 years old, I don't think I'd want to be a star, but I do want the good feelings associated with it.
It may sound silly, but I feel like I've already become this reserved homebody, even though I'm still very young. I don't think I've settled, but rather my life has settled. I look forward to coming home for dinner, a TV show and bed. I live for weekends spent curled up on the couch with my cats.
I'm settled. And I'm the happiest I've ever been. Or am I?
Sometimes I do wonder if there's something I'm missing. At my age I'm a college dropout, if you want to put a label on it. It doesn't sound like the most exciting lifestyle. I wonder what it would be like to be on the other side: Going out to the bars to meet people, working as a journalist again. I think it could have been an interesting life, but I also know it's not the one I was cut out for. I didn't enjoy that.
The idea of being a star kind of frightens me now, but what am I? I have this fear of not accomplishing enough. Yes, I enjoy my work and my family and my life, but I'm craving something more. I'm afraid I won't leave any stamp on the world; there will be no mark for people to know I was here.
I've even found that it's a struggle to figure out what to write about because I'm not trying new things. I'm not having fascinating new experiences. I'm just living life. Is it wrong to feel like I'm not accomplishing enough on paper? That I may just be forgotten about?