It was really difficult to bring myself to type this.
For weeks now, I've been thinking about returning to writing. I'd come up with ideas in my head, then go back to whatever I was doing. I'd go back to life without writing.
Writing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. The nights of my childhood were spent scribbling thoughts in journals and then stuffing the journal between the mattresses before I fell asleep. I lived for my writing classes in high school. I was an editor of my high school newspaper, community college newspaper and university newspaper. I just started to go along with this ascending route. I was hardly thinking about it at all; I was just going.
I blogged for years, as well. But as my journalism route started to take off in college, I stopped blogging. I walked away. A year and a half after I walked away from blogging, I was a 4.0 GPA student in college. I was 24 credits away from graduation. And I got a call from the local newspaper, offering me a job. It was the paper I'd wanted to work at all my life. So I left school, and started working.
I spent almost six months at my local newspaper, covering my hometown. I loved what I was doing. It was fulfilling. I didn't mind leaving school; I felt like I was ready. However, it eventually became apparent to me that this was not the path for me.
I was anxious, I was tired, I was miserable. How could I have everything I ever wanted, and be so mentally unfit? It took me having a panic attack in front of my family and boyfriend for me to wake up -- something wasn't right. I wasn't right.
I left my dream journalism job. I took on a full-time desk job, working in SEO, or search engine optimization. It may not be my passion, but I'm good at it. The 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. routine has done wonders for my mind and my soul. I feel more like myself than I have in years. I don't plan on going back to school any time soon, but I'm happy where I am.
Things are good. I've been living with Chris, a.k.a. This Totally Awesome Boy, for a year and a half. We got engaged in December. We've adopted two cats who make me so ridiculously happy. (I grew up in a dog family. My love of felines has surprised us all.) I'm planning my wedding.
Two years ago, when I was last blogging, I would have never imagined I would quit school, walk away from my dream job and adopt cats. But I never thought that I'd be this happy. I've realized I'm still a work in progress, but there are ways to be happy along the way.
I think, over the last few years, I pushed myself so hard that I broke inside. I was an anxious mess. It took me finding myself to be happy again.
Part of being happy means I need to write. This time, it's on my terms.
I'm so happy to be blogging again. It was really difficult to bring myself to type all this; I have this growing fear of being out in the open, being honest and doing this again. But then again, I'm so happy to be here again.