Monday, March 23, 2015

an open letter to my fiancé on our anniversary

Dear Chris,

Five years.

A lot can happen in five years, like job changes, careers, fights, breakups, makeups and more. We've been through all that and then some. All of it together.

And although we may have not been the other's first and only, I feel so lucky to have met you at all, let alone being able to celebrate five years together today. 

We met when we were just teenagers working at a movie theater. Back then I never would have imagined that we would end up planning our wedding together. But since then we've rode through so many highs and lows side-by-side that it only makes sense. We're meant to be together. The fact that we made it through it all, even a rough breakup somewhere in the middle, shows our commitment to each other. I really believe that.

Together we finished high school and college, found our way in and out of jobs and into careers. We've created bonds to each other's family and have pretty much created our own, thanks to our little fur babies. I'm so ridiculously happy with you.

Five years may seem like a long time, but I look forward to ten. Twenty. Fifty. Fifty years! I'm so excited for more triumphs. I'm even excited for the challenges. I know the challenges make us stronger in the end, and there's no one I'd rather tackle them with. Whether it's the little things, like your snores waking me up, or the big, scary things we haven't faced yet, I know we can get through it all together.

You've taught me a lot about myself and have made me a better person for it. Growing up with you around is nice; maybe someday you'll remember things about me I never would have. I'm glad we'll have all that to share. I think it'll be a good story for our future children, too.

I know I've said it before, but I really hope we continue to grow and develop a relationship like that of my role models, my parents. I think we're getting there. We share a lot of qualities with their relationship, like total comfort around each other and the fierce desire to always stand by that person and offer him or her support in whatever they do. I want to pass those qualities on to our family, too.

I just wanted you to know how much I love you and how excited I am for the rest of our lives. Every day is a little sweeter and every challenge is a little bit easier with you by my side. Thank you for everything you do and everything you are.

Happy anniversary, my love.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

No longer a Wannabe?

I created a little blog in 2009. Although it had a variety of names, I'd say it was at its peak under the name The Musings of a Wannabe Star

I was a young college student when I started that blog and I really did want to be a star. Now, at 24 years old, I don't think I'd want to be a star, but I do want the good feelings associated with it.

It may sound silly, but I feel like I've already become this reserved homebody, even though I'm still very young. I don't think I've settled, but rather my life has settled. I look forward to coming home for dinner, a TV show and bed. I live for weekends spent curled up on the couch with my cats.

I'm settled. And I'm the happiest I've ever been. Or am I?

Sometimes I do wonder if there's something I'm missing. At my age I'm a college dropout, if you want to put a label on it. It doesn't sound like the most exciting lifestyle. I wonder what it would be like to be on the other side: Going out to the bars to meet people, working as a journalist again. I think it could have been an interesting life, but I also know it's not the one I was cut out for. I didn't enjoy that.

The idea of being a star kind of frightens me now, but what am I? I have this fear of not accomplishing enough. Yes, I enjoy my work and my family and my life, but I'm craving something more. I'm afraid I won't leave any stamp on the world; there will be no mark for people to know I was here. 

I've even found that it's a struggle to figure out what to write about because I'm not trying new things. I'm not having fascinating new experiences. I'm just living life. Is it wrong to feel like I'm not accomplishing enough on paper? That I may just be forgotten about?

Friday, March 06, 2015

Here goes something.

It was really difficult to bring myself to type this. 

For weeks now, I've been thinking about returning to writing. I'd come up with ideas in my head, then go back to whatever I was doing. I'd go back to life without writing.

Writing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. The nights of my childhood were spent scribbling thoughts in journals and then stuffing the journal between the mattresses before I fell asleep. I lived for my writing classes in high school. I was an editor of my high school newspaper, community college newspaper and university newspaper. I just started to go along with this ascending route. I was hardly thinking about it at all; I was just going.

I blogged for years, as well. But as my journalism route started to take off in college, I stopped blogging. I walked away. A year and a half after I walked away from blogging, I was a 4.0 GPA student in college. I was 24 credits away from graduation. And I got a call from the local newspaper, offering me a job. It was the paper I'd wanted to work at all my life. So I left school, and started working.

I spent almost six months at my local newspaper, covering my hometown. I loved what I was doing. It was fulfilling. I didn't mind leaving school; I felt like I was ready. However, it eventually became apparent to me that this was not the path for me.

I was anxious, I was tired, I was miserable. How could I have everything I ever wanted, and be so mentally unfit? It took me having a panic attack in front of my family and boyfriend for me to wake up -- something wasn't right. I wasn't right.

I left my dream journalism job. I took on a full-time desk job, working in SEO, or search engine optimization. It may not be my passion, but I'm good at it. The 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. routine has done wonders for my mind and my soul. I feel more like myself than I have in years. I don't plan on going back to school any time soon, but I'm happy where I am.
Things are good. I've been living with Chris, a.k.a. This Totally Awesome Boy, for a year and a half. We got engaged in December. We've adopted two cats who make me so ridiculously happy. (I grew up in a dog family. My love of felines has surprised us all.) I'm planning my wedding.

Two years ago, when I was last blogging, I would have never imagined I would quit school, walk away from my dream job and adopt cats. But I never thought that I'd be this happy. I've realized I'm still a work in progress, but there are ways to be happy along the way.

I think, over the last few years, I pushed myself so hard that I broke inside. I was an anxious mess. It took me finding myself to be happy again.

Part of being happy means I need to write. This time, it's on my terms. 

I'm so happy to be blogging again. It was really difficult to bring myself to type all this; I have this growing fear of being out in the open, being honest and doing this again. But then again, I'm so happy to be here again.